Teacher

Crying with my eyes open.
Smiling with my eyes closed.
Listening to one so I can speak to another.
Love from above while the pain around me grows.
Worthless defendless but mad worth and given a defense. Cared for.
Given answers asking more questions.
Hoping to understand the important lives lessons.
Learning, Growing, Seeking.
Living a life hoping to reach this goal.
One laid on my heart by my personal Teacher.

Weaknesses&struggles

The last few weeks not only have the things I wrote in the last blog been bothering me, but also
another thing that has been coming up for about 8 years now. I have an eating disorder. I started losing weight when I was 12 years old and I was about 77 pounds (35 kilo's) until at least the age of 17 that is when I started gaining weight. Though it didn't end there. Instead of just gaining a bit it became over eating and longing for food. It is still a hard battle that I fight almost every day.
I feel like eating nothing at all or stuffing my face sometimes I give in to one and then I feel even worse. I'm finely up to a normal healthy weight, but the idea's in my head aren't it is not the weight that gives you an eating disorder or feeling ugly all the time it is feeling bad about yourself and wanting to be able to control something and this is my something. Of course I shouldn't try so hard to control something or even thinking I need to seeing God has control over everything and that He knows better then me and will be able to turn things right and that is something I cant do.
But I do understand now what the Lord means with He can work through our weaknesses for I
now really have to depend on Him for that and for taking care of me then as well as I can share now with others that have the same difficulty's and problems. But I still need a lot of prayer for this.

Lord thank You for letting me see how important it is to let things go.
Thank You for working through me and with me in my weaknesses so I have to depend on You.
And that when I do anything remotely important that not only I but everyone may and can know that it is all because and from You for on my own I will be far to weak. Thank You for revealing Yourself to me so that I can relay on You put my trust on You so that I have a firm foundation that will not fail. Lord I pray that You will give me strength when I am fighting again so that I can overcome the desire to do my own will instead of Your will. Give me the strength to talk about it with people that are facing the same problems so I might be able to help them out and talk about it an show that there is a way out with You Lord.
Lord I praise You for what You have done in my life and that You will keep working with in me. Thank You for Your promises found in Your word. And that I can trust in that and not what feelings tell me to. Thank You Lord for the people around me supporting me in prayers.
Thank You Lord for everything.
Amen.

friends?

Well the last few days there are two things going through my mind....
To bare a ring of power is to be alone well there are no rings of power so lets change that to bare a cross of power is to be alone.
I live in a house full of people and I've never felt more at home any where then here, but it is surprising how alone you can feel in a house full of people. The people who I live with are great, but when I hear about their friends back home I am jealous. For my "friends" back at the place I lived last time don't contact me in any way even when they are on-line and I try to talk to them they don't react though they just live an hour or so away though there are people all over the world living in Amsterdam in the same house as I live and their friends still let them know how they are doing and stuff like that... Why is it then so hard for people living near by?
To bare a cross of power is to be alone.
Though if that is true why do the other people have people close to them even though it doesn't matter where they are living?
I moved around enough to know that friendships don't last, but if you see that it can be different that there are people that can still keep in touch with others no matter the distance than why cant I? Is it me?
the second is just as much fun... The thing is everyone around me has an idea of what they want, or can do, or most important what God wants for them and from them everything is just quite clear to and for them. Though for me it's just as confusing as ever.
I don't want to go to school any more and don't know what I'm capable of or what God want for me when my time here is up.
Though I am incredibly grateful for being here in Amsterdam it is hard a lot of the time as well. But I am really thankful for my room mates here that I could share this with them last night to and that we could pray for all of this so it is all in the Lords hands now. And I'm thankful that I may know and know indeed that the Lord is faithful as well and that He will never abandon what His hand began. For He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it in you (me).

So thank You Lord for showing me how faithful You are and that indeed no matter what I'm going through You are still there...

Thank You for placing people these people in Amsterdam in my live so I will have somebody suporting me in prayer no matter where I am even though people may forget me if I move that I know that not everybody is like that and that there will be people comming in my life that I can really build on and that they can count on me to thanks for that Lord. And I will praise You Lord no matter what I will go through no matter how painful You are more then worthy to be praised! So thank You Lord for teaching me! Amen!

different

The last few days I have been thinking about a lot of things that come my way here in Amsterdam.

The first thing I have been thinking about was being different. Since I can remember I've called my self different though I still believe that I've been wondering what makes me different, whom am I different from and why is it so important to me that I am different? I believe that what makes me different is my relationship with God and people. Born in a Christian family it might not have seemed strange for me though it did not end there for within my school I was the most strange person for I believed in God and spoke my mind about that as well as of the world and people as well as children don't seem to like that. Though it doesn't make me different from Christians or at least it shouldn't. So form whom am I different? Though other Christians have a relationship with God and other people that doe not believe in Him it can still make me different in a few things... One is that though they might believe in God it doesn't mean that they have a relationship with Him for the devil believes in Him to, but it doesn't make us the same either. Though my choice to have a relationship with Him doesn't make me different from everyone I've been thinking of all of this a lot and of course came to the conclusion that my choices and experiences make me different. But why is it so important to me that I am?
When I made my own decision to follow Christ He changed me. He put a desire in me towards Him and His will and of being holy for He is holy and that is different. Plus I do not want to lose my own identity and the great thing is that the Lord doesn't want me to lose mine either which is a great blessing and different form any religion.
My identity in Christ is still my own even though I am dead and Christ lives in me. I do not have to give up my humanity or identity, but I find a new one in Him. And that is why for me it's nice to be different form everyone even from my brothers and sisters in the Lord.

The other thing I've been thinking about is hope. Why is hope important? When does hope become dangerous? What makes people hope? And where does my hope come from? Where do I fail in that?

I think hope is important for us humans because it gives us a feeling there is more to it, there is more to come... Or things can still change be different live is not over jet... That is also why it makes people hope.

Though the bible says something else about that.

Nothing makes sense! Everything is nonsense.
I have seen it all nothing makes sense! 3 What is there to show for all of our hard work here on this earth? 4.People come, and people go, but still the world never changes. 5 The sun comes up, the sun goes down; it hurries right back to where it started from. 6 The wind blows south, the wind blows north; round and round it blows over and over again. 7 All rivers empty into the sea, but it never spills over; one by one the rivers return to their source. Return to their source: Or flow into the sea.8 All of life is far more boring than words could ever say. Our eyes and our ears are never satisfied with what we see and hear. 9 Everything that happens has happened before; nothing is new, nothing under the sun. 10 Someone might say,Here is something new! But it happened before, long before we were born. 11 No one who lived in the past is remembered anymore,and everyone yet to be born will be forgotten too. -Ecclesiastes 1-

So when does hope become dangerous? I think if you place it in the wrong thing for hope is true and exists it can be a great thing if you don't put it on some thing other then the Lord. So on what or whom do I put my hope? I do put my hope on the Lord from Whom all things come. But my hope fails me often to, for I also then to put my hope on people on whom I can not trust for they fail just like me. That is also the danger factor why is hope dangerous if you put it on things other then the Lord? Because that hope fails you. For hope moves people to do things, but if hope fails then the thing your doing will to and you'll end up in a destructive cycle. Also to trust in the Lord is not a decision you have to make once, but it's one you have to make every day.

Lord I thank You for today and it's beautiful weather I want to thank You for giving me good health today so I can enjoy it to. I also want to pray Lord for all the churches today all my brothers and sisters that come together today to lift up Your name. Will You bless the services Lord and the ones that do the worship service and the pastors that tech of Your word. Will You speak through them so that peoples hearts will be touched and eyes opened and that all will be to bring glory and honor to You. Lord I also pray that You open my eyes and that You will teach me today again to put my trust and hope on You Lord for that is what I choose for today as well. Lord be with me when I work, have fun read, pray, sleep and use me Lord to be a living testimony for who You are and what You can do in peoples lives. Use me to show people Your love for them by me loving them Lord with a love that is natural and that You cant find in this world. Lord I pray for a blessing over this day for all the people working in the shelters today that they may be filled with Your love to glorify You and bring honor to You. Also for the people staying at the hostels that they might see You through Your children. And also for the rest of my brothers and sisters all over the world Lord be with them and give them what they need Lord watch over them Lord and use them today to bring others to You as well. I pray this in the name of Your son the Lord Jesus Christ who gave His own life so that we may live. Amen